sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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