Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
