I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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