Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
