when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
