I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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