it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
