a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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