we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
