I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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