I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
