I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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