Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
