I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Randomize
