Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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