I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
