you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
