when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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