i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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