Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
