My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
