Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
