But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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