i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
