At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
