is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
