I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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