my phone needs a breathalizer
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
