I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
