ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize