You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
two words: eviction party
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Randomize
