Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
