I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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