Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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