no, he came in my armpit
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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