I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
