Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
