Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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