Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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