I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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