i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
