I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
