yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize