So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
