Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
