Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
