Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
