I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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