You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
