I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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